A Freemium Intervention

In the 24 hours following my public outing as a Simpsons: Tapped Out player I was contacted through Facebook, WhatsApp and SMS by my family, girlfriend and best friend:

My Family My Girlfriend My Best Friend
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I need to stop playing Tapped Out. I’ve admitted I had a problem.

Previously, I said I would stop when my 90-day corn finished growing. Uninstalling the app will not be enough though.

I must blow up Springfield.

First things first

I spent 90 days growing corn, actual corn, at Cletus’ Farm. I started this task thinking I’d never stick around to see it complete. This corn symbolises everything wrong with the world (of freemium games) and is a sad testament to the wasted time I spent watching corn, actual corn, grow.


Will they acknowledge me completing the longest task in Tapped Out?


…because I didn’t do it for the money. I did for the acknowledgement – looooooooooove me…


… nothing. Not even a goddamn word bubble.

Time to die.

The End of The World

I spend all my money on Rat Trap Trucks and Principal Skinner’s Honda:


Three dollars of change in my pocket.

There is a little button shaped like a nuclear explosion which stores everything in inventory. It’s the closest I can get to nuking the world (gotta nuke something).

I press the button:











This is how the world ends. Not with a bang but a load screen.

After the Dust Settles


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A Tombstone Epitaph

It’s important that you take my lost year “playing” Tapped Out as a warning. The freemium tactics that hook the player into daily grind and regular play are the distilled, pure poison that now flows through Destiny and are prevalent in some form in many videogames.

If you’re showing up to complete a progress bar to unlock another bar to complete then please know you are in danger.

This is my warning to not waste your time with people whose entire business strategy depends on wasting your time: